7 o'clock in the evening watching something stupid on TV.
I'm zoned out on the sofa when my wife comes in the room and sees me.
And she says, "Is this behind the music with Lynyrd Skynyrd?"
And I say, "I dunno, say it's getting late, watcha wanna do for dinner?"
She says, "I kinda had a big lunch so I'm not super hungry."
And I say, "Well you know, baby, I'm not starving either but I could eat."
She said, "So what do you have in mind?"
I said, "I don't know what about you?"
She said, "I don't care, if you're hungry, let's eat."
I said, "That's what we're gonna do. But first you gotta tell me what it is you're hungry for."
And she says, "Let me think, what's left in our refrigerator?"
I said, "Well there's tuna, I know."
She said, "That went bad a week ago."
I said, "Is the chili okay?"
She said, "You finished that yesterday."
I hopped up and said, "I dunno, do you wanna get something delivered?"
She's like, "Why would I wanna eat liver? I don't even like liver."
I'm like, "No, I said delivered."
She's like, "I heard you say liver."
I'm like, "I should know what I said."
She's like, "Whatever, I just don't want any liver."
Well I was gonna say something.
But my cell phone started to ring.
Now, who could be calling me?
Well I checked my caller ID.
It was just Cousin Larry calling for the third time today.
My wife said, "Let it go to voicemail."
I said, "Okay. Where were we? Oh, dinner, right. So what do you wanna do?"
She said, "Why don't you whip up something in the kitchen?"
"Yeah," I said, "why don't you?"
And then she says, "Baby, can't we just go out to dinner please?"
I say, "No."
She says, "Yes."
I say, "No."
She says, "Yes."
I say, "No."
She says, "Yes. Oh, here's your keys."
I step a little bit closer, say, "Okay, where you wanna go?"
She says, "How about the Ivy?"
I said, "Yeah, well, I dunno. I don't feel like getting all dressed up and eating expensive food."
She says, "Olive Garden?"
I say, "Nah, I'm not in the mood. And Burrito King would make me gassy there's no doubt."
She says, "Just forget about it."
I say, "No, I swear I'm gonna take you out."
Then I get an idea.
I say, "I know what we'll do."
She says, "What?"
I say, "Guess."
She says, "What?"
I say, "We're going to the drive-thru."
So we head out the front door, open the garage door, then I open the car doors, and we get in those car doors. Put my key in the ignition, and then I turn it sideways. Then we fasten our seat belts, as we pull out the driveway.
Then we drive to the drive-thru, heading off to the drive thru, we're approaching the drive-thru, getting close to the drive-thru, almost there at the drive-thru, now we're here at the drive-thru, here in line at the drive-thru, did I mention the drive-thru?
Well, here we are in the drive-thru line, me and her. Cars in front of us, cars in back of us, all just waiting to order.
There's some idiot in a Volvo with his brights on behind me. I lean out the window and scream, "Hey, watcha tryna do, blind me?"
My wife says, "Maybe we should park. We could just go eat inside."
I said, "I'm wearing bunny slippers, so I ain't leaving this ride."
Now a woman on a speaker box is saying, "Can I take your order please?"
I said, "Yes, indeed, you certainly can. We'd like two hamburgers with onions and cheese."
Then my wife says, "Baby, hold on, I've changed my mind. I think I'm gonna have a chicken sandwich instead this time."
I said, "You always get a cheeseburger."
She says, "It's not what I'm hungry for."
I put my head in my hands and scream, "I don't know who you are anymore."
The voice on the speaker says, "I don't have all day."
I said, "Then take our order, and we'll be on our way. I wanna get a chicken sandwich, and I want a cheeseburger too."
She's like, "You want onions on that?"
I'm like, "Yeah, I already said that I do. Plus we need curly fries, and don't you dare forget it. And two medium root beers. No, just one, we'll split it." Then I said, "I'm guessing that you're probably not too bright. So read me back my order let's make sure you got it right."
She says, "One: you want a chicken sandwich. Two: you want a cheeseburger. Three: curly fries and a large root beer."
"Stop, don't go no further. I never ordered a large root beer. I said medium, not large."
Then she says, "We're having a special. I supersized you at no charge."
"Oh," and that's all I could say, was, "Oh."
Then she said, "Now there's something else that I really think you should know. You can have unlimited refills for just a quarter more."
I said, "Great, except we're in the drive-thru, so what would I want that for?"
Then she says, "Wait a minute. Your voice sounds so familiar. Hey, is this Paul?"
And my wife is all like, "No, that ain't Paul. Now tell me, who's this Paul?"
And she says, "Oh he's just some guy who goes to school with me. I sat behind him last year, and I copied off of him in geometry."
I said, "I know a guy named Paul, he used to be my plumber. He was prematurely bald, and he moved to Pittsburgh last summer. He also had bladder problems and a really bad infection on his toe."
And she says, "Mister, please, you can stop right there. That's way more than I needed to know."
And then we both were quiet, and things got real intense.
Then she said, "Next window please, that'll be five dollars and eighty-two cents."
So we inched ahead in line, moving painfully slow. I got a little bored so I turned on the radio. ("Black Dog" by Led Zeppelin starts blaring.)
Click, turned it off, because my wife was getting a headache.
So we both just sat there quietly, for her sake.
And then I looked at her.
And she looked back at me.
And I said, "Um I think you have something in your teeth."
She turned away from me, and then turned back and said, "Did I get it?"
And I say, "Yeah, well, I mean, most of it. But hey, you know, don't sweat it."
Then she said, "How about now?"
And I'm like, "Yeah almost. There's still a little bit there, but don't worry, it's probably just a piece of toast."
Now we're at the pay window, or whatever you call it. Put my hands in my pocket--I can't believe there's no wallet.
And the lady at the window is like, "Well, well, well. That'll be five eighty-two."
So I turn around to my wife, and say, "How much have you got on you?"
She just rolls her eyes and says, "I'll pay for this, I guess."
And so she reaches into her purse and busts out the American Express.
I hand it to the lady, and she says, "Oh dear. It's gotta be cash only, we don't take credit cards here."
I took back the card and said, "Gee, really? Well, that sucks."
And that's when I found out my wife was only carrying three bucks.
I said, "I thought you were gonna hit the ATM today."
She said, "I never got around to it. So where's your wallet anyway?"
And I say, "Nevermind. Just help me to find some change."
And now the lady at the window's looking at me kinda strange.
And she says, "Mister, please. We gotta move this line along."
And I say, "Hold your stinkin' horses, lady, we won't be long."
So I looked inside the glovebox, and checked the mat beneath my feet. I found a nickel in an ashtray and a couple pennies and a dime in the space between the seats.
Before long, I had a pile of coins of every sort.
The lady counts it up and says, "You're still about a dollar short."
And now my woman's got this weird look frozen on her face. She screams, "You know I wasn't even really hungry in the first place."
And so I turned around to the cashier again.
I shrugged and said, "Okay, forget the chicken sandwich then."
So I pick up my change, pick up my receipt, and I drive to the pick-up window. Man I just can't wait to eat.
And now we see this acne-ridden kid about sixteen, wearing a dorky name tag that says "Hello, My Name Is Eugene."
He hands me a paper bag.
I look him in the eyes, and I say to him, "Hey Eugene, could I get some ketchup for my fries?"
Well he looks at me.
And I look at him.
And he looks at me.
And I look at him.
And he looks at me.
And I look at him.
And he says, "I'm sorry, what did you want again?"
I say, "Ketchup."
And he says, "Oh yeah, that's right. I just spaced out there for a second. I'm really kinda burned tonight."
And then he hands me the ketchup.
And now we're finally driving away.
And the food is driving me mad with its intoxicating bouquet.
I'm starving to death by the time we pull up at the traffic light.
I say, "Baby, give me that burger. I just gotta have a bite."
So she reaches in the bag and pulls out the burger.
And she hands me the burger.
And I pick up the burger.
And then I unwrap the paper.
I bite into those buns.
And I just can't believe it.
They forgot the onions.

--"Trapped in the Drive-Thru" by Weird Al Yankovic

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